Ich weiß nicht einmal, ob ich das überhaupt selbst machen kann ..!?

[screen shot]

Kennt sich hier jemand aus wie das geändert werden Könnte?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

Book titles:

The English Patient
Had
Caught
It
On the Beach
I Should Have Stayed Home
She Said
Now
She Was
In Quarantine
In The Dark
House of Splendid Isolation
Still
Hope Springs Eternal
With A Little Bit Of Luck
Common Sense
And
Personal Hygiene
Horror Stories
Must End Soon
Always Remember
Clean Hands Save Lives
And
When In Doubt
Don't
Go
Out!

The older one about eight, the little one about four. The older girl put the money on the counter and told the lady who served them what flavor they wanted. The first cup was soon done and the lady told her

"Here's the first one, why don't you give it to your little sister?"

The older girl said
"She will wait for the second cup!"

and started licking on hers. The lady said to the little girl

"Oh, I just see that you are lucky today - there's more than one portion in the box but not enough for a full size to sell - so you get some more ice cream for no extra charge!"

The moment she put it on the counter the older girl hastily grabbed it , handed the already half eaten cup to the little sister and said

"I'll take the big one so you don't get sick from too much ice cream and you can have the other one!"

[We have a saying for this in German, hard to translate exactly, but similar to the following:
"Brotherly divided - Sisterly cheated"]

Dec 18th - House Impeaches Trump

Jan 8th - First CDC warning

Jan 9th - Trump campaign rally
Jan 14th - Trump campaign rally

Jan 16h - House sends impeachment articles to Senate

Jan 18th - Trump golfs
Jan 19th - Trump golfs

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Jan 22nd - “We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China. It’s going to be just fine.”

Jan 28th - Trump campaign rally
Jan 30th - Trump campaign rally

Feb 1st - Trump golfs

Feb 2nd - “We pretty much shut it down coming in from China."
Feb 5th - Senate votes to acquit. Then takes a five-day weekend.

Feb 10th - Trump campaign rally

Feb 12th - Dow Jones closes at an all time high of 29,551.42

Feb 15h - Trump golfs

Feb 19th - Trump campaign rally
Feb 20th - Trump campaign rally
Feb 21st - Trump campaign rally

Feb 24th - “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA… Stock Market starting to look very good to me!”

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Feb 26th - “We're going very substantially down, not up.” Also "This is a flu. This is like a flu"; "Now, you treat this like a flu"; "It's a little like the regular flu that we have flu shots for. And we'll essentially have a flu shot for this in a fairly quick manner."

February 27: “One day it’s like a miracle, it will disappear.”

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Feb 28th - Trump campaign rally

March 2nd - “You take a solid flu vaccine, you don't think that could have an impact, or much of an impact, on corona?”

March 2nd - “A lot of things are happening, a lot of very exciting things are happening and they’re happening very rapidly.”

March 4: “If we have thousands or hundreds of thousands of people that get better just by, you know, sitting around and even going to work — some of them go to work, but they get better.”

March 5th - “I NEVER said people that are feeling sick should go to work.”

March 5th - “The United States… has, as of now, only 129 cases… and 11 deaths. We are working very hard to keep these numbers as low as possible!”

March 6th - “I think we’re doing a really good job in this country at keeping it down… a tremendous job at keeping it down.”

March 6th - “Anybody right now, and yesterday, anybody that needs a test gets a test. They’re there. And the tests are beautiful…. the tests are all perfect like the letter was perfect. The transcription was perfect. Right? This was not as perfect as that but pretty good.”

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March 6th - “I don't need to have the numbers double because of one ship that wasn't our fault.”

March 7th - Trump golfs
March 8th - Trump golfs

March 8th - “We have a perfectly coordinated and fine tuned plan at the White House for our attack on CoronaVirus.”

March 9th - “This blindsided the world.”

March 13th - [Declared state of emergency]

March 17th - “This is a pandemic,” Mr. Trump told reporters. “I felt it was a pandemic long before it was called a pandemic.”

March 18th - "It’s not racist at all. No. Not at all. It comes from China. That’s why. It comes from China. I want to be accurate."

March 23th- Dow Jones closes at 18,591.93

March 25th - 3.3 million Americans file for unemployment.

March 30th - Dow Jones closes at 21,917.16

April 2nd - 6.6 million Americans file for unemployment.

In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

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The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

Dr. Anthony Fauci speaks as U.S. President Donald Trump looks on.
[picture: screenshot]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)

New evidence uncovered over the past several weeks indicates that intelligence is not contagious, a study by the Centers for Disease Control reports.

In a controlled experiment documented by the study, a seventy-nine-year-old man with intelligence was placed in close proximity to a seventy-three-year-old man without it for a period of several weeks to see if even a trace of his knowledge and expertise could be transmitted.

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“In terms of facts, data, and wisdom, there was zero community spread,” the report stated.

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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,

"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

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→→→ update:
Possibly this originates not from Europe,
but from Mexico

["click!" on picture enlarges; via www.dailycartoonist.com]

Based on an article in → 'the week'

The baby is born. The mother meets with the doctor .... they wrap the baby beautifully and then the doctor and the mother determine whether or not they will execute the baby.

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